A COMEDY
 
Characters:
Alexander
Maria (Masha)
Pyotr (Petya)
Lizaveta (Liza)
 
A flat. Maria is singing. Alexander is listening. When the song finishes, Maria starts up another.

ALEXANDER You sing beautifully, Mum. Yes, really beautifully. Did Dad sing well too?

MARIA Dad? What Dad?

ALEXANDER I expect you two used to sit down together and sing in harmony.

MARIA What are you talking about?

ALEXANDER Oh, it’s such a shame that I can’t sing. I’d also like to… Yes, if Dad was here, the two of you together, you’d…

MARIA There you go again, “Dad”. What’s got into you today? Where have you got all of this from?

ALEXANDER You know what Mum? I really don’t like the sea now.

MARIA Why’s that then?

ALEXANDER Our neighbour Lyosha found out somewhere that his dad had drowned, and I thought, what if mine had… I can’t get it out of my head. I’ve even gone off having bath. Even when I’m having a wash, it always seems to me that… No, I certainly don’t like water.

MARIA Then what do you like?

ALEXANDER I don’t know, Mum.

MARIA What do you mean you don’t know? What are you saying? You don’t know what you like?! Have you forgotten? Or are you feeling unwell? Come here.

ALEXANDER Mum, you don’t understand what I’m talking about.

MARIA Look at me, my dear boy.

ALEXANDER Don’t call me that.

MARIA What? What else am I to call you?

ALEXANDER Don’t talk to me like a child.

MARIA How should I talk to you? You’re my child. I’m your mum. Remember that. Don’t you ever forget it. I don’t want to hear any more of your nonsense.

ALEXANDER I’m twenty-nine years old.

MARIA And I’m fifty-two, so what? What, eh? The thing is, my darling little boy, that as long as I live, you’re going to be my son. Got it? I won’t let you destroy me, you big drip. Clever, now, are we? Getting talkative? You’re only going to love me! No!? Then I’ll send you to the hospital for treatment. I’m not going to tolerate all your nasty things. After you brought in all that muck… All those dogs and cats.

ALEXANDER They came because I loved them.

MARIA I’m going to stuff you full of tablets, understand? You can only love me. Repeat after me. You can only love me!

ALEXANDER I’m not going to think about cats any more.

MARIA I told you to repeat what I said.

ALEXANDER I can only love you.

MARIA And again.

ALEXANDER But I do only love you.

MARIA My word! This country… I hate it. Twenty-nine years old and he’s still a child. An infant! I’ll give you “cats”… I tell you, you’re going to get such cats and dogs from me… What are you thinking about, eh? Tell me.

ALEXANDER I don’t know, not about anything…

MARIA That bloody doctor. Can’t he prescribe any proper medicine to prevent this airhead from thinking his degenerate thoughts? What a to-do! For twenty- nine years he’s been mocking me, for twenty-nine years he’s only had to turn his thoughts to whatever nonsense he pleases and it just turns up here out of thin air. For twenty-nine years I’ve had to…

ALEXANDER It’s not my fault that everything’s like this round here. It’s not my fault that I was born in this country, that I’m a child, that I’m still a child! When I grow up, nothing will just turn up like that any more.

MARIA Grow up?! Don’t hold your breath! Do you want me to die?! When I get my hands on you…

ALEXANDER I don’t want you to die, I love you!

MARIA You love me! Why have you started talking about growing up then? Eh? Or have you forgotten again that because of that I… I… Your own mother… your mummy… You’ll be the death of me, you will.

ALEXANDER Mum, Mummy! I don’t want that, I don’t! My darling, my kind…

MARIA Kind!

ALEXANDER I love only you.

MARIA You don’t love me.

ALEXANDER I love you very much.

MARIA Very much…

ALEXANDER But of course! How could you..? You were once a child too, after all, you said so yourself.

MARIA Yes, I was. And I was a fool, a fool, I always dreamt of having a son. I dreamt of you, you idiotic half-wit. Because of you, you precocious little rotter, my mother, my mummy disappeared. You came along, and at dawn she was no more. Because I didn’t want to part with you – you were so small, so helpless.

ALEXANDER And she disappeared?

MARIA As if she’d never existed.

ALEXANDER It was as if your mum had never existed? Wait, your mum, she’s my… she’s my grandma!.. My grandma disappeared. Mummy… But why?

MARIA This country is shit, it’s rotten to its core.

ALEXANDER You should have left and gone to a different country.

MARIA Why should I have to leave? This is my country. And yours. However bad it may be, it is ours. Not another word about that. What is it they have in other countries, do you know? I don’t know either. The whole world is shit.

ALEXANDER Is it so hard for children to live everywhere?

MARIA For children?! We mothers, we’re the ones it’s hard for, it’s unbearable. Because every day we stand on the border between life and death. But what do you lot care? You didn’t want to give a damn about anyone. This is what you wanted, this. But at dawn, we… It’ll be like we never existed at all. All of my friends, where are they? They’ve evaporated, vanished into thin air. Oh, my lord, I’ve been standing on the border between life and death too. If it wasn’t for the doctor… Instead of your mummy this place would be full of stray dogs and bitches. That’s how it is, my dear boy!

ALEXANDER Mum.

MARIA Yes, I’m still your mum for now, thank you very much.

ALEXANDER Surely it’s not really like this for everyone.

MARIA Here it is – there’s no point discussing it.

ALEXANDER And there’s no way we can live normally, without the fear that our mums and dads might suddenly and inexplicably disappear?

MARIA No one’s thought one up yet.

ALEXANDER I’ll think one up, mummy, I definitely will!

MARIA How many times must I ask you not to think? There’s nothing to think about.

ALEXANDER Does that mean I’ll never have a dad?

MARIA I hope that that Lyosha from next-door burns in hell. I’m going round to see his mother tomorrow, I’m going to kick up such a stink. Not keeping her child in check. Let her hand him over to the hospital if she can’t cope with him herself. What kind of life is this? What kind of nation is this? Where are the scientists? Why won’t they invent something or other to stop children thinking? Go to bed, it’s late already. And don’t forget to take your tablets, my dear boy.

ALEXANDER Mum!

MARIA Alexander! I can’t bear to look at you, Alexander!

ALEXANDER Won’t you sing me a song? I do so enjoy it when you sing.

MARIA If you only knew how fed up I am of singing, I’m sick to death of my own voice. But when I was a child I was like you, I listened to my mother and dreamt of singing just like her. If only I’d known!

Maria starts to sing. Alexander listens. Underneath a blanket on an armchair in the room someone stirs. Maria doesn’t notice, she’s singing.

ALEXANDER Mum, I think…

Maria sings.

ALEXANDER I think there’s someone in the house. I’m afraid, Mum. Mum!

MARIA What is it now?

A snore comes from the armchair.

MARIA I don’t understand.

ALEXANDER There’s someone there.

MARIA Where?

ALEXANDER In the armchair. Can you really not hear that?

MARIA How could I hear if I was singing?

The snoring becomes stronger.

MARIA What was that?! Who’s there?

ALEXANDER There, in the armchair!

MARIA Who have you brought in this time?

ALEXANDER I don’t know. It wasn’t me, it wasn’t… I haven’t done anything, I didn’t think
of anything. He came on his own!

MARIA Who?

ALEXANDER I don’t know, mummy. I’m so scared!

MARIA Damn you. What was it you thought about? What’s there, what? Cat got your tongue? I hope the earth swallows you up. Why do you torment me so? What did you think about, you swine?

ALEXANDER I was listening to you singing. Nothing else, that’s the truth.

MARIA We need to call the doctor, and get him to bring the pest-control poison again.

ALEXANDER I’ll call him…

MARIA Go over there.

ALEXANDER Where, mummy?

MARIA Take the blanket off, you murderer!

ALEXANDER The blanket? No, Mum, no, please, I can’t, I’m begging you, I’m so afraid. Leave him to lie there, and I’ll go for the doctor. Alright? Mother dear…

MARIA When it’s a matter of who’s dragging shit into the house you’re first in line, but when it comes to clearing it up, you’re nowhere to be seen. That will not do at all, my dear. Go to the armchair and take the blanket off. Chop-chop!

ALEXANDER Yes, yes, alright, I’ll take it off… I’m not scared at all, don’t you go thinking… Alright…

Alexander approaches the armchair, reaches his hand out, but… the snoring from under the blanket becomes louder and Alexander runs away.

ALEXANDER Mu-um!

MARIA What unpleasant sounds!

ALEXANDER No, I don’t like them either. But don’t you go thinking I’m afraid. I’m going to go up and take it off.

Alexander creeps up and pulls the blanket from the face of the sleeping man, after which he runs straight back to Maria.

ALEXANDER I did it, I did it!

MARIA A man… Do you know him? Well?! Why’s he turned up here, do you know?

ALEXANDER I think… Yes! It’s… it’s… Mummy…

MARIA Who? You’ve gone of your rocker, you degenerate.

ALEXANDER Dad. It’s Daddy!

Short pause

MARIA Whose?! Lyosha’s? From next door? I’m asking you!

ALEXANDER He’s mine, he’s my dad. Daddy!

MARIA Don’t shout. Let him sleep until the doctor gets here. People aren’t cats, my dear boy, you can’t get just get shut of them. You’ve really done it this time, sonny boy.

ALEXANDER At last, I’ve got a dad!

MARIA Are you going to shut up any time soon, or not? You could say that my life is hanging by a thread, and you keep whining on… Or don’t you understand what’s going to happen tomorrow morning? You’ll be living with that bastard.

ALEXANDER Mum, how can you talk like that about Dad?

MARIA Ah, you pest! Do you want to swap your own dear mum for that ugly mug? I’ll die, and you’ll be living with that piece of shit.

ALEXANDER Mum!

MARIA I’ve ruined my whole life, I live like a beggarwoman, I don’t work, I live on benefits, I could die because of him! Could I really ever get myself a job? Who would take me on? I have to sit at home with my little shit of a son, to look after him, so he doesn’t cause any mischief, to spoon feed him everything! Of course, everything’s for my beloved boy, everything’s for my dear Alex! And this Alex… He wants my death. Look who he’s brought here… What a foul, disgusting, ugly mug he has.

ALEXANDER His face is perfectly normal, why are you saying that?

MARIA It doesn’t matter, the doctor will come, give us the medicine and that sack of shit will flutter off home. I’ll ask him to send him off straight away, so this beast doesn’t end up spending the whole night in the same house as me… That will not happen! What a drunkard! What an ugly mug. I bet he guzzles vodka twenty four seven. Look how he’s sprawled out there. The fat bastard.

ALEXANDER Mum, I can’t listen to you saying that. Don’t talk like that any more, I’m begging you. Can you yourself really not see how shameful it is? I’ve dreamt of this man, this is precisely how I imagined dad would be, and you, you…

MARIA So you did dream about him. I knew it. You turd! You little leech! Go call the doctor!

The man lying in the armchair turns over, yawns and opens his eyes.

ALEXANDER Dad! Daddy!

PYOTR What’s all this? Who? Why are you…

MARIA He’s woken up, the drunk!

PYOTR I’m sleeping.

ALEXANDER Dad! He doesn’t recognise me, Mum.

MARIA Your brain’s gone soft with the excitement. How would he know you? Who are you to him?

ALEXANDER His son.

MARIA Idiot!

ALEXANDER I’m your son, and you’re my dad.

PYOTR Nope, I’m trying to sleep here, folks.

ALEXANDER How’s that possible?

PYOTR I don’t have any children.

MARIA Get up, you drunkard. Get up, I said, this isn’t one of your drinking dens!

PYOTR And who are you?

ALEXANDER That’s Mum, Dad.

PYOTR My mum?! No, no, that can’t be. My mum died, thank God, must be five years ago… No, she’s not mine.

MARIA Listen, what are you clowning around for, eh? Why are you pretending to be a child? Not very bright, are you? If you were a child you wouldn’t have turned up here.

PYOTR There she goes again. I get it now, I get it!

MARIA Don’t you raise your voice at me. Look at him. He shows up here yet still he’s not content.

PYOTR Why should I be content? You’re yelling at me as if I’m some kind of criminal. I don’t even want to be his daddy, why do I need him? I like my freedom. You, grandma, I dare say you don’t know what freedom is. But I know! It’s a good thing.

MARIA I’m not your grandma, idiot.

ALEXANDER That’s Mum, Dad.

PYOTR Then why’s she being so rude to me? Why’s she having a go? I might not be able to cope with being treated like this. She should be reasonable with me. She should introduce herself. I might add that this is the first time I’ve been in this house, and this is how she welcomes a guest? All but swearing at me. What’s she called, this mum of yours, do you know?

ALEXANDER Maria.

PYOTR Then why’s she keeping it secret? That’s a beautiful name, it’s nice. It’s an alright name. Maria. It’s a very good name. Masha. And I’m Pyotr. Petya to you.

MARIA Evidently you had a heavy session last night, you still can’t sober up.

PYOTR Maria, Masha dear, it’s not good to talk to me like that, I’m practically your husband.

MARIA What are you on about? How are you my husband? Alexander, come on, call the doctor.

ALEXANDER But Mum…

PYOTR Go on, fellah, your mother’s asking you, show her some respect. She’s feeling ill, can’t you see? Let the doctor come and have a look at her, he might be able to help. Go on, get going.

ALEXANDER I’ll be right back. (He leaves)

PYOTR Well, Maria, what’s this all about?

MARIA When the doctor comes he’ll tell you.

PYOTR Oh, how frightening, I’m pretty scared of doctors. But you’re not very talkative, Masha, that’s no good. Why are you so upset? You should be overjoyed, you’ve got a visitor. Run and set the table. I dare say you haven’t had any visitors for a while, eh? Yeah, don’t you worry yourself, it’s still night, we’ve plenty of time till dawn. Come the morning I won’t be here, don’t doubt that. Look, what’s up? I’ve explained to you that I like my freedom, and that your dear little son is of no use to me whatsoever. Look on the bright side of life, Maria! Why have you stood up? Come on, get something together on the table, let’s sit and have a drink. (He looks out of the window) Look, your flat is so high up. And I don’t recognise this place. Is it a new build or something? No, I don’t recall this. Damn it, where have I ended up? I’m asking you – what city is this?

MARIA You got so drunk, you pig, you can’t remember!

PYOTR That’s true, I don’t remember. I don’t recognise it at all.

Enter Alexander.

PYOTR Well, how’s the doctor doing?

ALEXANDER He’ll be here soon.

PYOTR What’s this city of yours out there? I was just saying, I don’t know this place. And I reckon I know my own town like the back of my hand, every nook and cranny. Is it a secret or something? Come on, fellah, have you forgotten what town you live in?

ALEXANDER No, I remember, it’s Moscow.

PYOTR What!? Moscow!?

MARIA Go drink some water, you drunkard.

PYOTR You’re having me on. Is it really Moscow? I’m serious, is it? Maria, tell me the truth. No joke, it’s Moscow?

ALEXANDER Of course it is, Dad.

PYOTR Must have been quite the session. What a mess. No, I don’t believe it. The capital, you mean? Bloody hell. No, it can’t be. I’ve never been to Moscow. Is Red Square here too? Is it?

ALEXANDER Yes.

PYOTR Red Square… Well I never! And I haven’t had a shave. And I haven’t got a suit. Where is it? Where? Show me. I can’t see it. Is there the Metro too? No one’s going to believe me about this. They’ll laugh at me. Listen, Maria, is there the Bolshoi Theatre too? My oh my… You’re a good lad, matey. Your son Masha – he’s a gem. You could say he’s brought me up in the world. He’s a real man, you’ve got there! What’s your name?

ALEXANDER Alexander.

PYOTR You’re a good lad, Alex! I’ve only ever seen Moscow on the telly, and here… Oh, we’ll paint the town red you and me, Maria. Why are you sulking all the time? It’s all alright – lighten up – we’re in Moscow.

ALEXANDER It’s so good you turned up, Dad, I’m so pleased.

PYOTR Alex is right! But your mother doesn’t understand for some reason. Don’t get angry Maria, or me and Ally here won’t love you. Right, Alex?

ALEXANDER Yeah, Mum, come off it. Dad’s such a good laugh… You know, Dad, I thought that you’d drowned, and I was so upset because I thought I’d never get to see you. Lyosha, our neighbour says that his dad was a sailor, so I decided that you were too.

PYOTR Of course, we’re all sailors. I’m a rubbish sailor. I have this ship, it’s got huge wheels, and a mechanical arm, and I sail all around the town in my ship, collecting the waste from the bins. And then – to the ocean. On our seafront there’s such a heap of rubbish that I take mine there too. That means, Alex, that I’m the captain, because I’m all alone on my ship. Me and the bins, not another soul.

MARIA You work?

PYOTR Maria! I work, Masha, I work like a dog. Seriously. As soon as I’d got my mother… you know… off my hands, this work started, and it hasn’t stopped since. I’ve not had a single day off. I’m tired as hell. But all the same, it’s better than sitting at home.

MARIA Oh, how I want to work. How sick I am of hanging about with him.

PYOTR There’s nowhere worse than being at home, that’s for sure. How old are you, Ally?

ALEXANDER Twenty-nine.

PYOTR Well, that’s nothing yet, my mum stayed at home with me till fifty.

MARIA I’m already fifty-two!

PYOTR Till I was fifty. And, I’ll tell you this, I was a fool, I didn’t understand the first thing about life. I should have, you know, given her the boot long before. My whole life in a cage. And I’m someone who likes my freedom.

MARIA What are you on about, you idiot? Giving your mother the boot! Try switching your brain on before speaking. And he “likes his freedom”.

PYOTR Oh, you’re right, I didn’t think. Please forgive me.

MARIA And why are you listening wide-eyed? Get going, it’s well past your bedtime.

PYOTR Masha, I didn’t mean you. How could I say something like that about you, how could you think that? You’re young, in the prime of your life. I’ll be honest with you, you have quite an effect on me…

MARIA I can’t bear to listen to you, better just keep quiet.

PYOTR Again, she doesn’t believe me. You’re to my taste. Honestly, you are. At first I give you a second glance, but now… Your mother’s a beauty, Ally. Cherish her.

MARIA He won’t swap me for a rubbish dump, don’t you worry.

PYOTR What? Do you think that I dreamt of rubbish dumps? I’m not that much of a fool. It’s true, I didn’t come up with it myself, a pensioner put me on to the idea. He came to see my mummy, he came to sit and have a chat, and he sees me, naturally. And so he ups and asks, “You, when you go to bed, is there nothing that worries you?” You see, he was a cunning old fart. He had a dig at me saying, “You alright? Isn’t your age taking its toll on you?” But I was stupid, I’d spent years not realising what was happening to me. Before I went to sleep I’d be overcome by such… and when I awoke too. Try as I might, I couldn’t grasp what it was. I thought I was sick perhaps. And then in comes that pensioner and says to me, “I didn’t understand anything at your age either. I kept playing the dutiful son, but later, when I understood, it was too late, I couldn’t do anything. So,” he says, “Petya, if everything’s still functioning normally, turn your thoughts in the direction of women.”

MARIA Now that’s enough! Do you know the sentence for depravity? Do you want to go to prison?

PYOTR Oh come on, Masha, it’s not depravity, quite the opposite. I didn’t understand what he was getting at. So I announced to him patriotically, “I do nothing but think about my mummy.” How is that depravity? Then, a week later, it got through to me, that the old man didn’t have mummy in mind, but something else a bit younger…

ALEXANDER A bit younger?

PYOTR She appeared, and that very night there was nothing left to worry about.

MARIA You bastard. What? Do you want him to…

PYOTR Enough, Masha dear, not another word. I swear. Ally, I was talking about love, love for your mother. Your mother is such a… Maria…

MARIA You scoundrel. Never mind, the doctor will come and…

PYOTR Just you look at him, take a look at your son! He’s an alright bloke, not like I was – all mixed up. He’s completely as he should be! Right, Alex? You see? Nothing to worry about. Maria, darling, don’t be angry… You can see, he’s not mature enough for that business yet. Al, tell her…

ALEXANDER Dad, you know what just crossed my mind…

MARIA I’ll cross your mind in a minute! Where are the tablets? Take five, right away.

ALEXANDER Mummy, I didn’t mean any…

PYOTR Look how affectionate he is with you, he calls you “mummy”. Go on, big man, take your tablets and get to bed. Me and your mother need to put our heads together too, and we haven’t much time. And I also quite fancy having a look round Moscow.

ALEXANDER It crossed my mind how in the past, before I was here, how you two must have sat together and sang in harmony.

PYOTR Who two? Me and your mummy? Did you hear that, Masha? What a good lad you are. Me and Maria got a bit of a fright then.

MARIA Halfwit.

PYOTR You are a one, Ally. This is the first time I’ve ever seen her. You really are a bit, you know… though at your age I didn’t know any better. You gave us a real fright there. Right, Maria? We thought that that you… What a good lad you are!

ALEXANDER Sing together. Mum, please, come on. Mum sings well on her own too, but without you it’s just not right.

PYOTR With pleasure. I’ve been singing like a lark for five years now.

ALEXANDER Sing.

PYOTR Come on, Masha. It’s that kind of day today. Everything’s coming up roses, how could we not sing? Ah, this life of mine…

Pyotr starts up some song or other, Maria watches him attentively.

ALEXANDER Come on, Mum, sing along. Sing along, won’t you?

Maria takes a breath and starts to sing along. The song ends.

A short pause.

ALEXANDER How lovely!

PYOTR I love to sing, no bones about it. That’s it, Al, you’ve listened, now get to bed. Why sit up with us? You’ll only be bored. Go on, get going, we’ll talk later.

ALEXANDER Daddy! I was so looking forward to you coming!

PYOTR And I came.

ALEXANDER But the doctor’s coming… Will I ever see you again?

MARIA You’ve been told to go to bed.

ALEXANDER I don’t want to leave, I can’t. My dad is here. Mummy, come on, please, just ten minutes…

MARIA Not one second. Tablets and bed!

PYOTR Good night, take care.

ALEXANDER Dad. (He goes to him and kisses him). Will I ever see you… Dad…

MARIA What are you snivelling about? That’s disgusting.

PYOTR You’re a real man, a strong, healthy fellah. Wipe your snot away and make yourself scarce.

ALEXANDER Why? Why can’t we be together? Why, if there’s a mum, should there not be a dad? Who thought that up? You’re my dad, and you shouldn’t leave me, or mum.

PYOTR You see everything as so simple, without all these… Take my example, I look on this whole business freely. You’ve got to be free, Alex. Get it? If it wasn’t me, it would be someone else like me. What difference does it make? These attachments to people, they hinder freedom, I’ll tell you that for nothing. You have a mother, a wonderful, beautiful woman, what else do you need? I’ll be honest with you, heart to heart, if I had a woman like that, like her, like Maria, I’d never think of anything else at all. I swear it. A woman is the most important thing! I understood that thanks to that pensioner. I’ve really taken quite a shine to you, Masha. When I stand next to you, the effect you have on me… I’m weak at the knees. I’ve never felt like this before.

MARIA What are you rabbiting on about? There’s a child here, and he… You’ve gone soft in the head.

PYOTR Al, are you still here? I thought he was already off to the land of Nod. Come on, have your medicine and shoot the crow. Look lively! And make sure you close the door tightly, so we don’t disturb you. Right, Marie?

ALEXANDER I’m going… I’m going…

Alexander takes the bottle with his tablets and goes into his room.

PYOTR Masha dear… I’m serious about you and… You’re just so attractive.

MARIA I don’t fall for people like you. Blabbermouth. I don’t believe a single word you say.

PYOTR What do you mean? Masha, darling, I open up my soul to you, like to one of my own, like to the person I’m closest to in the world, and you… I’m offended.

MARIA As soon as you saw me you…

PYOTR Of course! Doesn’t that happen? And, oh, so often.

MARIA You blokes, you’re all deceivers. You’ve only one thing on your mind – as if I didn’t know! And once you’ve done your business, I’ll never see you again.

PYOTR What do you mean? I’ll come round to see you, every Sunday.

MARIA Stop lying. You know full well that that’s impossible.

PYOTR I’ll follow you wherever you go, Maria.

MARIA That’s all I need! I want to live.

PYOTR I’ll leave before the dawn. I’ll come once the sun goes down, and I’ll leave before it rises. And everything will be fine, everyone will be alive and well, and we’ll be together. It’s a good plan, Masha.

MARIA You’re wasting your breath. If you turn up again, we’ll both disappear…

PYOTR If you give your lad away, everything will be fine.

MARIA Why… Why didn’t I meet you on the street, or on the metro? Why didn’t we get to know one another without the help of my stupid little abnormal son? I’m a fool, a fool! My mother said to me, “Don’t think of children, you’ll have no life with them.” I didn’t believe her. Now I can see for myself, but it’s too late!

PYOTR Maria, I understand you and I share your fate as a woman and a mother. Because I like you as I’ve never liked anyone before, ever! There. Allow me to embrace you and to kiss you, as a friend.

Pyotr embraces Maria, caresses her. Maria relaxes and rests her head on his shoulder.

PYOTR How warm you are, how soft…

MARIA How tired I am, Petya, how tired. I’m sick to death of this idiotic life, of my problems, of my son… Everything’s bad. People annoy me… and I don’t like myself.

PYOTR What are you on about? You’re the best!

MARIA No…

PYOTR Yes.

MARIA No…

PYOTR Why do you keep saying “no”? I know better than you. You, my dear Maria, are a wonderful woman. I understood that straight away.

MARIA I shouted at you.

PYOTR Because you’re tired. When I’m tired, I don’t shout, I do much worse things. I break everything that’s within my reach.

MARIA That’s because you work.

PYOTR Come to me, come…

MARIA I’m here, I’m with you…

PYOTR Have you calmed down?

MARIA You’re so good, so kind… It wasn’t for nothing that my boy noticed you. Oh, my dear Petya… How are we to live?

PYOTR Freely, Masha. We need to live freely. Without paying the slightest attention to anything. Why should you shout at people? People are good. Why should you shout at yourself? You are good. Away with all the difficulties. Think only of yourself. And everything will be good. That pensioner taught me that. The main rule is, “if you want to do something, do it”. Because we only have one life, Masha dear, yet we want so much.

MARIA I don’t know, I don’t know, Petya. It’s a bad rule, it left both you and I without a mother.

PYOTR She would have died all the same.

MARIA What am I to do with my son? I do love him, after all.

PYOTR I loved my mother too.

MARIA Should I do to him what you did to your mother?

PYOTR Let him go to a orphanage, is it really any worse there? I’ve heard the conditions there are wonderful. In our town, lots of people gave their children up. Because they give them a very good up-bringing there.

MARIA Really?

PYOTR It’s an absolute no-brainer.

MARIA I feel sorry for him. I dreamt of having him for so long. He is a bit daft, of course, but I do love him all the same.

PYOTR You shout at him, you berate him. But in the orphanage, among the other children, everyone’s equal.

MARIA That’s all true, Petya dear, but if I do give him up, I mean, I’ll never see him again, will I?

PYOTR He’s grown up now, Masha, he’s twenty-nine years old. You can’t keep just watching over him forever.

MARIA Perhaps you’re right.

PYOTR Yes! And then your life will be calm, without any fear. You’ll have nothing to be scared of, Masha. You’ll be free!

MARIA And I’ll go and get a job.

PYOTR Yes!

MARIA And I’ll go on the metro every day.

PYOTR Yes!

MARIA And sometimes I’ll take a taxi. You’ll allow me to do that, won’t you?

PYOTR But of course!

MARIA I’ll prepare delicious lunches and dinners for you.

PYOTR Most definitely!

MARIA But once a week we’ll eat out in a restaurant. Right?

PYOTR Why ever not?

MARIA I so want to go to a restaurant, Petya, I’ve never been to one. It’s too expensive for us. The money from my benefits won’t even cover one portion.

PYOTR We’ll order the most expensive dishes.

MARIA And we’ll go to the cinema, and to expensive shops.

PYOTR Yes.

MARIA I’m so sick of wearing these old rags. I want to buy myself beautiful, fashionable things, so I’m not ashamed to walk down the street.

PYOTR Just think of all the places we’ll go, Masha. We’ll go to the Bolshoi, most definitely, I’ve never been there before, I need to see it. I dare say you’ve been everywhere – that won’t interest you.

MARIA What are you talking about, Pyotr! What do I see apart from supermarkets and these four walls? I have nothing of any interest to recollect.

PYOTR Soon we’ll live differently. Starting tomorrow we’ll go to Red Square, and from there to a restaurant.

MARIA Tomorrow, so soon! Oh, Petya darling…

PYOTR We’ll be free and easy. You and me, we’ll be together like two birds. We’ll flap our wings and take to the sky. And you’ll see a different life, a completely different life! I’ll show you, I know. Where’s that doctor of yours got to, eh?

MARIA Doctor?

PYOTR We need to give your lad up. Without that our plans are nothing but hot air.

MARIA How hard it all is, my Lord…

The door to Alexander’s room opens, and Alexander backs out.

ALEXANDER Mu-um! Da-ad! There’s… There’s…

MARIA What’s this? Why aren’t you asleep? Or did I not make myself clear? Into bed, on the double!

ALEXANDER There’s… There’s…

MARIA Stop making those noises! And what have you done to your face?

ALEXANDER Mum… Daddy…

MARIA That’s it, Petya, I’ve decided. He irritates me. Just look at his face. No, no, I’m not going to put up with him. I’m definitely giving him up.

ALEXANDER Mummy…

MARIA What an awful face he’s pulling. It’s giving me goosebumps. You’re irritating me, Alexander.

PYOTR Really, Ally, would you mind getting out of here, eh? And sort your face out. Why have you come out looking like that? Look how you’ve frightened your mum. Get out, don’t hurt her.

ALEXANDER Daddy, I can’t, there’s…!

MARIA What’s all this about? “There’s… There’s…”. He keeps crowing the same thing over and over like a parrot. Shut your face, you halfwit, enough of the noise!

On the threshold of Alexander’s room there appears a girl. Liza.

Pause.

ALEXANDER You see?

LIZA Where have you run off to, boyo? You’re so silly. I ask him what his name is and he clean disappears. Can you imagine that? That’s never happened to me before.

MARIA What on earth is this?

ALEXANDER She…

MARIA Who?! Where’s she come from?

LIZA I didn’t know there were so many of you here, I thought we were alone.

MARIA Who are you?!

ALEXANDER Mum, don’t be rude to her. Please.

MARIA Who brought her in here?

ALEXANDER Mum!

MARIA You came on your own, did you, child?

LIZA Why should I? Do you think I have nothing better to do?

MARIA Petya! Did you hear that? My God. This is all we need. What’s going to happen now? Oh Lord. I knew it, I knew it!

LIZA What?

MARIA Crawl off and die.

ALEXANDER Mum, why are you being like that?

MARIA Get out of here you tart.

LIZA Oh, she makes me laugh.

MARIA Why are you here shaking your tits around?

LIZA What else should I shake, I’m not a man, am I?

ALEXANDER Mum, stop it.

MARIA Now you, sonny boy? You’re a murderer, my dear boy. Do you know what’s going to happen now?

ALEXANDER I don’t know, Mum… It seems incredible to me that… I haven’t even had time to think about it…

MARIA Haven’t had time!

ALEXANDER I gave it no more than a second’s thought. I went to bed and something was troubling me, I couldn’t work out what it was. And then Dad’s story just popped into my head… about the pensioner, who told him… I tried not to think about it, but I couldn’t!

MARIA You bastard.

ALEXANDER Mum!

MARIA I’ll have you locked up for corrupting minors. Before dawn! You won’t have time to think twice before you end up behind bars! Then we’ll see how you like your freedom.

PYOTR Masha, dear, I’ll sort it all out, but please, I’m begging you, don’t worry, don’t get worked up… You know how I feel about you!

MARIA What? Are you making fun of me? Or have you got something up with your noggin? Why are you pretending to be an idiot? There are two of you now, don’t you get it?!

LIZA Two?! Uh-oh.

ALEXANDER This is my dad.

LIZA He can go to hell.

PYOTR What’s this? What’s with all the panic? We need stay calm and collected to sort this all out. What’s the use of getting so worked up?

MARIA You don’t understand, do you? But I bet you want to live, don’t you?

PYOTR Masha dear, don’t say such nasty things.

LIZA What don’t you get? One of us has already been condemned!

PYOTR Here we go now. Who?

LIZA How old are you, granddad? You should know about this kind of thing. Or haven’t you been free for very long yourself?

PYOTR I don’t understand any of this.

MARIA Because you talk too much! If it wasn’t for you and your recollections everything would be alright, and there wouldn’t be this prostitute, and all this panic.

LIZA Yeah, because the prostitute’s the problem! You should have told your son more about life, and now you wouldn’t be looking for people to blame. I was made to come here!

PYOTR What’s this now!?

MARIA Alex, my dear darling boy…

LIZA I bet a minute ago you were swearing at him, and now you’re having to butter him up. “Yes, my son, because we all depend on you. Coochie-coochie-coo.”

MARIA You whore, you filthy stray animal!

ALEXANDER Mum, don’t talk like that.

MARIA I won’t – God help me – I won’t say a bad word. It’s hard to believe what an absolute mess you’ve made of everything, my boy. You’ve done the most terrible thing that could ever be imagined. Now, one of us must disappear.

ALEXANDER What?!

MARIA Because there can’t be, there mustn’t be… Do you love your mummy?

ALEXANDER Of course I do, you know that.

MARIA Good boy. And him?

ALEXANDER Dad? Very much.

MARIA That’s right, so that means this girl will have to…

ALEXANDER I love her too, Mum.

MARIA Less than you love the rest of us, I’m sure.

ALEXANDER I love you all the same. And I don’t understand why you’re asking.

LIZA Because out of the three of us you have to choose one.

PYOTR To go where?!

LIZA There.

PYOTR I don’t understand… I don’t want to depend on someone else’s whims.

LIZA Who’s asking you? Children decide everything. It’s very humane, actually.

PYOTR No, it’s ridiculous, it’s stupid, I’ve had my freedom now for five years and suddenly… No, it can’t be possible, Maria. Ally, don’t choose anyone. Well, of course, you don’t need to think about it, just love us all equally. There’s your way out.

MARIA So that all three of us rot? You’ve taught him enough, stop it.

PYOTR I don’t believe in it.

LIZA So you should choose him then. Let him test it out. I’ve had it with this. I’ve seen my fill in my life, I don’t want to see anything more.

PYOTR What’s your name, young lady?

LIZA Oh, hello, he’s come to his senses. Liza.

PYOTR Lizaveta, I just wanted to clear something up, did you personally see the moment when… well… you understand. Because we’re always talking about it…

LIZA My sister disappeared along with my brother and mum. I was bored on my own and I longed to play with someone, so I thought up a sister for myself. And then, well, it’s better with three… As soon as my mum saw them she fell to the floor with a crash. She screamed like she’d been stabbed, “Choose, choose!” She was such a terrible pain in the neck. It was her fault, you shouldn’t pester people like that. So-o-o, I told her to go to hell and went off to bed. And that was that.

PYOTR And there was no one?

LIZA Only me. I became a grown-up straight away.

PYOTR Damn these children to hell.

MARIA He has a problem with the children!

PYOTR I didn’t mean Alex.

LIZA What time is dawn today?

MARIA Oh, heavy are my sins…

LIZA Give over, I can’t stand people wailing. I’ve had quite enough of people howling in the shop. Every day someone is shouting their head off. They say I give them short measures and short change them. They’re in always effing and blinding. But I like people to be kind to me.

MARIA Wait one minute. Which shop do you work in, the one on Petrovka Street? Yes, that’s it. I recognised you straight away. You thief, you whore. You fleece the poor. I’d have the lot of you banged up.

LIZA Oh, stop it, I don’t work on Petrovka street.

MARIA You’re lying, you bitch.

LIZA You should turn your thoughts to God, but you’re… When’s dawn?

ALEXANDER I’ll ring the doctor.

PYOTR The doctor! But of course, the doctor! I’ve come up with a plan. Girls, I’m going to save you. Ally, the vote’s called off. Maria, put the kettle on, lay the table, we’re going to celebrate our freedom!

LIZA Eternal freedom, is it?

PYOTR We’re not going to depend on anyone, none of us will disappear because I’ve got an idea that will save us.

LIZA Why the hell did you drag me here, Alexander?

ALEXANDER I really like you, Liza.

MARIA What is there to like about her? She’s a common whore.

PYOTR No one’s listening to me.

ALEXANDER Mum, I’m ordering you not to call Liza a whore.

MARIA Well what should I call her?

ALEXANDER Liza, Mum.

LIZA I was made to come here!

ALEXANDER Liza, pay no attention, Mum doesn’t really think that. She’s kind, very kind…

LIZA I heard that there’s a country where people live in real freedom, without fearing for their lives. Because in that country children are born as grown- ups. No one brings them up, no one takes care of them, they can do all of that for themselves.

ALEXANDER I knew it, I was sure… In that country we’d be able to live together. I want to go to that country.

PYOTR I’d go there too.

MARIA That’s lies and propaganda! All countries are the same. And people are too! And if a child is a child, he can’t be a grown-up.

LIZA I don’t know, perhaps it’s all untrue, but I believe that somewhere everything must be different, it must be normal and humane…

MARIA Come back down to earth – you’ve caused us a lot of problems. And all she does is tease us with her fantasies. Why rabbit on about such nonsense?

PYOTR What about my idea? You won’t let me tell you. I’ve got it! Ally, time is short and soon you’ll have to choose one of us. Who? Don’t you know? I know! The doctor. Eh? What about that? He’ll come, and straight away…

MARIA Idiot.

LIZA Yeah, Petya, you’ve really outdone yourself now.

PYOTR Do you feel bad for the doctor or something?

MARIA What’s the doctor got to do with it? What’s he got to do with us? You’re not very on the ball, are you?

PYOTR Ah, yes, that’s the problem, he needs to be related to us somehow. That makes the task more difficult. Don’t you have any other relatives?

LIZA You can tell you’ve only just gained your freedom.

PYOTR I’m just hungry. When you want to eat, it’s hard to think. Masha, dear, give me something so I can think better.

MARIA No chance, you can stay hungry.

ALEXANDER Mum, how could you? Dad wants to eat, and you…

PYOTR How about we have a cup of tea?

LIZA I’d love a cuppa.

MARIA What, am I your servant? A prostitute and a bin man have teamed up and they want me to wipe their arses!

PYOTR I’ll help you. I like doing housework. Do you want me to bake a pie? Or a cake? I know all the recipes, because my mum really liked to cook and I was always at her elbow, so I memorised them. Let’s go, Masha.

MARIA Don’t touch me.

PYOTR Masha dear. Let’s go, Maria, darling… let’s go think up something tasty.

MARIA Don’t…

PYOTR Something very tasty. Come on, let’s go, quickly now, come on…

Pyotr and Maria leave.

LIZA I don’t envy you with that mum of yours. She torments you, you poor thing. If I had one like that, I wouldn’t have any doubts about who to choose.

ALEXANDER Liza, can I touch you?

LIZA What?

ALEXANDER I want to feel the warmth of your hands…

LIZA Are you cold or something?

ALEXANDER I wanted… I’d like to be close to you, right next to you… Can I?

LIZA Go right ahead. I don’t care, warm yourself all you like.

ALEXANDER This is so lovely, so nice… I’ve never felt as good as I do today. Because I didn’t have you two – you and Dad.

LIZA Sure thing.

ALEXANDER Liza… do you know how to sing? Of course you do. And Dad and Mum… they sang so beautifully today… Only I don’t know how to. If only you knew how I long to learn to sing. No, really! We could sing something together, you and me… in harmony… something long and drawn-out, sad… And our voices would merge together one moment, then come apart the next, but they’d always be close. Like people hand in hand, without the strength to pull apart and stop being one whole. It would be so wonderful. We’d sing even better than Dad and Mum. Oh, what a shame it is that I can’t sing!

LIZA You’ll learn, life will teach you. You’ll sing so much, that you’ll make yourself sick. I’d give up everything to forget how to sing forever, to never have to listen to other people singing… We wail, like jackals. You’re fortunate because you don’t know how repulsive that howling is.

ALEXANDER My Lord, why didn’t you turn up sooner? I like being with you so much. If I’d known, if only I’d known, you would’ve turned up here ten years ago.

LIZA Thanks for only becoming enlightened today.

ALEXANDER You’re beautiful.

LIZA What?

ALEXANDER You’re very beautiful, Liza. The more I look at you, the more I’m convinced of that.

LIZA I see.

ALEXANDER Liza… I only want a minute, just one minute… I feel so uncomfortable saying this… but if it offends you even the tiniest bit, or if it worries you in the slightest then give me a sign and… Oh, I don’t know what I’m doing, but I just want to… I just want to…

Alexander puts his head on Liza’s lap.

A short pause.

LIZA What do you want?

ALEXANDER Oh…!

LIZA If you want to do something, you should do it, alright? I don’t mind it, personally. If you want to, do it.

ALEXANDER I’ve done it, Liza!

LIZA How have you done it?! How? How did you do it so quickly, I didn’t even notice. Usually, I notice… Have you really done it?

ALEXANDER Liza, you’re so nice…

LIZA You should have held back, couldn’t you hold back?

ALEXANDER I’m grateful that you’re not chasing me away, that you let me… I could lie like this my whole life.

LIZA Why lie like that? We could lie down properly on a bed, or even on the floor. If that’s what you want.

ALEXANDER No, no, this is nice. I’ve got something now that I never believed in before. I’m lying in your lap and talking to you. It’s like I’m dreaming!

LIZA That is all wonderful, but we don’t have much time. Let’s go into your room and I’ll help you to summon up your strength.

ALEXANDER No, I don’t want to go anywhere, I want to stay right here, forever.

LIZA But I can’t. I keep thinking that someone’s about to walk in, either your mum or Petya. It’s unbearable! I don’t like having to keep looking over at the door. I want to enjoy myself too, but this is not the right… don’t you understand?

ALEXANDER No.

LIZA It’s an intimate business and there’s no need to be doing it in front of people.

ALEXANDER Liza, you’re so beautiful! I can’t go on without you! Now you’re with me I can’t imagine my life… Promise that you’ll never leave me.

LIZA Alright.

ALEXANDER I don’t want to ever leave you, not even for a minute. I’ll die if that happens. We must stay together forever.

LIZA Yes.

ALEXANDER I’m going to protect you and see to it that no one does you any harm.

LIZA Yes.

ALEXANDER I’ll drop you off at work, I’ll come pick you up. I’ll do all I can to make sure no one ever raises their voice to you in the shop.

LIZA Yes.

ALEXANDER And I’ll find a country where children are born as grown-ups, I definitely will. We’ll go there and stay there forever, and you’ll forget about everything, all the terrible things that happened to you here.

LIZA Yes!

ALEXANDER Because… Because… Liza, I love you!

LIZA What?!

ALEXANDER I love you!

LIZA Say that again!

ALEXANDER I love you!

LIZA Again!

ALEXANDER I love you.

LIZA Alex, my dear boy….

ALEXANDER Liza… darling Liza….

LIZA My dear boy!

ALEXANDER What?

LIZA My dear boy.

ALEXANDER Can I kiss you?

LIZA I desperately want you to.

Alexander kisses Liza.

LIZA Why not on the lips?

ALEXANDER I kissed you like I kiss Mum, like the person I love the most.

LIZA What are you on about? People who love each other kiss each other on the lips. Come here… Like this… (she kisses him)

ALEXANDER You have such soft lips.

LIZA Want me to kiss you again?

ALEXANDER Don’t you find it difficult?

LIZA Silly boy, how on earth could it difficult? It’s nothing but a joy. (She kisses him)

ALEXANDER Great! Only…

LIZA What?

ALEXANDER Again, I’ve got that feeling I get before I go to sleep and when I wake up in the morning. I somehow don’t feel myself, something’s troubling me, I’m finding it hard to breathe…. And I feel as if my heart is going to leap out of my chest. I think I must be ill, Liza.

LIZA Don’t worry, exactly the same thing happened to me!

ALEXANDER Really? I’ve infected you.

LIZA Don’t be daft, when people fall in love they always feel things like that.

ALEXANDER You too?

LIZA But of course!

ALEXANDER That’s awful.

LIZA It’s wonderful, the best thing you could ever imagine!

ALEXANDER But when I sit next to Mum, or even next to Dad, nothing like that ever happens to me. Why? I’m in love with them too, aren’t I? And why is it that right at this very moment I feel that I have to do something that’s really important for me and you?

LIZA Really? I want to do that for you too!

ALEXANDER Yes! But I don’t know what!

LIZA Well, I know. We have to go lie in bed and I’ll explain it all there…

ALEXANDER In bed? Why can’t you explain it here?

LIZA Let’s go into your room.

ALEXANDER The state I’m in now I can’t lie down, or sit down, or go anywhere, I can’t do anything!

LIZA Very well then, come here…

ALEXANDER Kiss me again, it’s so nice how you do that.

LIZA My dear boy, I’m going to kiss you as much as you want me to!

ALEXANDER And then kiss Mum, then Dad, alright?

LIZA Alex darling… You’re so good, so… I would never have thought it… It’s so strange. When I saw you there in the room I thought you were a bit backward, but now I see that I was wrong. I didn’t notice the most important thing. Your tender, kind heart. I like you, Alex.

ALEXANDER I really love you!

LIZA Alex darling…

ALEXANDER Liza, I love you so much, so much… that it makes me want to cry!

LIZA Take your clothes off!

ALEXANDER What for?

LIZA Quickly, my dear boy!

ALEXANDER What’s happened?

LIZA Nothing. Quiet, keep quiet! (She helps him undress)

ALEXANDER I don’t understand why you’re undressing me.

LIZA That’s what you’ve got to do. I’ll take my clothes off too.

ALEXANDER Liza, Liza dear, I can’t do it.

LIZA Don’t be scared, we’ll be quick.

ALEXANDER What? I don’t understand.

LIZA You’ll understand it all a bit later.

ALEXANDER I’ve never had my clothes off in front of anyone before. Mum says it’s not nice. I don’t want you to see…

LIZA Do you want me to undress first? Do you?

ALEXANDER I’m embarrassed.

LIZA Well, I’m going to undress all the same.

ALEXANDER No, no… I don’t want you to, you’ll be cold… Don’t, please don’t, you could catch a cold!

LIZA I won’t be cold with you, I know I won’t. Come on, let’s switch the light off, shall we? Alex, my dear boy…

ALEXANDER But what for? No, don’t. Liza… Yeah, it’s better without the light… (he switches the light off)

LIZA Where are you? Come here, I’m on the sofa…

ALEXANDER I’m coming… I’m here now, here I am…

LIZA My dear boy! You’re so hot all over. Press yourself to me, go on, warm me up… There you go, there… I’ll help you take your vest off…

ALEXANDER But why aren’t you getting undressed?

LIZA You have to help me.

ALEXANDER I’m so scared!

LIZA Don’t be afraid, Ally, don’t be afraid, my little boy! That’s only in the beginning, but in five minutes there’ll be nothing left of your fear, I know that.

ALEXANDER I believe you, but I’m afraid all the same.

The door to the room opens, Pyotr walks in.

PYOTR Alexander, are you in here?

ALEXANDER Daddy, Dad!

PYOTR Where’s the light switch? I can’t see a thing.

ALEXANDER My dear old dad… how good it is that you’ve come in.

PYOTR What’s that? What do you mean? Where do you switch the light on my lad? Where’s the light switch? Aha, here it is, at last.

Pyotr switches the light on.

Alexander, in his vest and underpants, is hanging around Pyotr’s neck. Liza, fully dressed, is sitting on the sofa.

PYOTR Ally, my lad, what, did you miss me? Come on stop hanging about, get off. I can’t lug you round like this, you’re not little!

ALEXANDER I love you, Dad.

PYOTR That’s wonderful, but why are you in your underpants? Were you getting ready for bed? It’s not the time for that now, you’ve got lots to do, you need to make a decision… (Puts Alexander on the floor) Where’s Liza?

LIZA Still here for the time being.

ALEXANDER I wanted to… Liza and me decided to….

PYOTR What did you decide? Don’t you decide anything in here without us. We all want to live. Your mother will call the doctor and tell him what’s happened here, so, Ally, just hold up on the decisions… Lizaveta, I think that everything will work itself out, don’t worry your little head.

LIZA This is all I need.

PYOTR And you, Alex, you must always remember who’s who. I’m your father, Maria’s your mother. Understand? Look, don’t forget it, we’re those closest to you, and you can’t just chuck away our lives for no reason whatsoever. Parents are sacred! Just you remember that, my son.

LIZA Oh keep your hair on, old man.

ALEXANDER Dad, we weren’t talking about that, we were talking about love…

PYOTR That’s right. You have to love. You have to love with all your heart those who are close to you, your relatives.

ALEXANDER I love you.

PYOTR That’s good. With all your heart?

ALEXANDER Daddy, I love you a lot.

PYOTR Good lad. You’re a proper son. Good children have good parents. I took a fancy to your mother straight away and when I saw you, I was no longer in any doubt. Honestly. You have to believe me, because if you don’t believe me, who will you believe? Am I making sense? I’m your father, your daddy… Come here son, let me kiss you.

Pyotr kisses Alexander on the forehead.

ALEXANDER No, you’re meant to kiss those you love on the lips.

PYOTR What’s that now? That’s not the done thing. You do come out with some nonsense, men don’t kiss each other on the lips. Well, perhaps some do, but not all of them. I do understand that this is very difficult for you now and that you’re facing a choice…. No, if it all hinges on this then…

ALEXANDER Dad!

PYOTR Personally, I don’t at all mind, Alexander. You’re my son, my flesh and blood. Yes, we can – your nearest and dearest have the right to do that. Come on, Al. Only make it quick, just a touch and that’s all. Don’t forget that, alright?

ALEXANDER Daddy!

Throws himself at Pyotr, a long kiss.

Maria walks in. She freezes.

MARIA What is this now? Alexander?!

PYOTR Masha dear, we were talking about love… Alex loves me. And I love him.

MARIA What?!

PYOTR No, not in the sense that he loves me, but that he has affection for me, as have I for him.

MARIA Oh you, you good-for-nothing, I knew it, I knew it straight away! You should be put in prison, locked up with the convicts, you’ve no business among normal people! Filthy man! He wants to turn my child, my dear beloved Alex, into a queer.

PYOTR What are you on about Masha, It was a loving fatherly kiss.

MARIA “Loving”! And the kiss you gave me, was that brotherly? I believed him, like a fool, but this is what he really needs. He bats for both sides, the poofter. Alex, my son, what did he want from you, did he touch you? My poor little boy. Put your clothes on, you’ll catch your death. See what evil people there are in the world. It’s a good job he didn’t get to taking your underpants off!

LIZA He was with me, that’s why he’s got no trousers on.

PYOTR And I was with you, Maria.

ALEXANDER I kissed Liza too, Mum. Without her I…. What she did for me… I don’t know! I love her, Mum.

PYOTR You see! And I love you, Masha dear, only you. That’s how it has all panned out. Your suspicion is unfounded, I’m a normal person, without any such inclinations. And when you said that I… You know, it was like a knife to my heart.

MARIA Enough, I get it! Alexander, what are you thinking of now, did you not hear what I said? Put your trousers on, I can’t stand the sight of you!

ALEXANDER I’m getting dressed, Mum.

MARIA So this is how you decided to save your skin, you lousy prostitute? I said we should keep our eye on her, you can’t leave people like her alone for a second.

LIZA You didn’t waste any time either.

MARIA You’ve a foul tongue! I’ve phoned the doctor. Are you looking at your watch? It’s an hour till dawn…. do you understand what that means? Ah, what’s the use of talking to you? You’ve only one thing on your mind.

LIZA It’s because I like your son, I really like him. And thinking all the time about how I have to disappear in an hour’s time is unbearable.

PYOTR What did the doctor say, Masha dearest?

MARIA He said that seeing as there are so many of us there’s no point in him coming, no drugs can help us. You need to choose, Alexander! Because… She doesn’t really have any business being here.

ALEXANDER Mum!

MARIA Precisely, I’m your mum, your mum!

PYOTR And I’m your dad.

MARIA And she’s no one.

ALEXANDER I love her. Liza…

MARIA What the hell do you mean, “love”? What do you know about that?! You’ve not grown up yet, when you’re an adult then you can love who you like, it’s none of my business, but while you’re a child…. Children are not able to love. And since you can’t love, she’s got no business being here.

ALEXANDER I can love! I love her, Mum!

MARIA You’re not mature enough. That’s quite enough about this. You have only one task now – say that you don’t need the girl.

ALEXANDER Mum! I’ll never say that, not for anything. You can’t let the person you love the most in the world leave you forever. You just can’t. Do you really not understand that, Mum?

MARIA Have you got any brains in that head of yours, or is it full of shit? We’ve explained this to you a thousand times.

ALEXANDER I don’t want to hear anything.

MARIA Then choose your daddy or me, seeing as that girl is more dear to you! Cat got your tongue?

PYOTR It can’t be me, I’m the father!

MARIA And?

ALEXANDER I’m not going to choose anyone!

MARIA Aha, so you want all three of us to snuff it? No, my sweet, that will not do at all! Do you know what the doctor said? He was sure that you wouldn’t be able to do anything, so he gave a very simple piece of advice. Do you want to hear what it was? If you don’t choose one of us, then we’ll choose you, got it? Then there’ll be no threat hanging over us, we’ll be free people, independent. Because you’ll disappear, as if you’d never existed in the first place. What do you say to that?

ALEXANDER Nothing.

PYOTR Ally my lad, your mother is talking sense, listen to her, she’s a wise woman you’ve got there. And Liza won’t be offended – am I correct? Because that’s the life we lead, you can’t do anything about it. Tell him, Liza.

LIZA Yeah.

PYOTR What did she do with her mum? And what did I do? Everyone lives the same, that’s how it works, one replaces another, then a third replaces them, then the third’s replaced by a fourth, and so on all the time. There’s no other way.

ALEXANDER There is.

MARIA No, there isn’t, listen to what you’re told.

ALEXANDER There is!

MARIA I see perfectly well what he’s up to. So you won’t change your mind?

ALEXANDER No.

PYOTR Of course he’ll change his mind. Liza, why are you just standing there? Tell him! You do like him, don’t you?

LIZA A lot.

PYOTR That’s all good then. Say your farewells, kiss one another, have a bit of a cry and…

ALEXANDER Dad, why are you talking like that?

PYOTR Well, what can I do? Either you choose or you’re chosen. It’s better that you choose. No, well really, think about it yourself. Me and your mother wouldn’t like to lose you. Especially her. She loves you. And I do too, of course, but not like she does. You won’t find another mother like her. Maria is pure gold.

ALEXANDER I’m not going to do anything, and I don’t want to hear it any more that Liza is no one to me.

MARIA Well then, you’ve only yourself to blame, we’ve tried and tried to persuade you.

PYOTR Yes, Ally, that’s that, forgive us and remember us fondly, as they say. We loved you and we only ever wished you well. And I reckon your mother is right, you yourself refused to do it, you’ve only yourself to blame. Right? Well, Godspeed!

MARIA Petya, I can’t, I feel so sorry to part with him, my heart aches for him…

ALEXANDER Mummy…

PYOTR That’s what I’m saying, we all feel sorry, but you can’t do anything about it.

MARIA If each of us chooses him now, and says so out loud, then he, my dear son, will be gone forever… Please, choose the prostitute, what’s she worth to you? She agrees too. Go on, my dear boy.

ALEXANDER No, mum.

MARIA Well good riddance then, you stubborn fool! That’s it, our paths have parted ways – don’t say a word – if you don’t want to live, no one’s forcing you to. I have Petya now, I’m not going to stay all alone, crying and reminiscing about you…

PYOTR You’re right, Maria, because you’re a free person. We’re free people! Well then, shall we speak it? Is it time? Let Liza start. She sparked this off, so it’s only fit and proper that she goes first. And you, Ally my lad, prepare yourself, relax and… It’s not painful, you don’t notice it at all, you fly off somewhere and that’s that. Go on, Liza love, say your farewells, don’t drag it out.

LIZA (to Alexander) Come here. My dear boy… I love you!

ALEXANDER Liza darling. I’m not at all afraid, you can speak my name without worrying.

LIZA I love you! You’re such a good person, I’ve never known anyone like you in my whole life.

ALEXANDER Don’t you worry about me, I feel good, I feel better than I’ve ever felt. You love me, so do Mum and Dad, there’s nothing else I need.

LIZA I love you differently.

ALEXANDER I think that I love you somehow differently too, it’s something like… no, I can’t put my finger on it. But I don’t love mum and dad like that, not at all like that. I will take that beautiful sensation of love away with me. Oh Lord, how good it is to love.

PYOTR You’re absolutely right. Maria is everything to me, there’s no one like her in the entire world…

LIZA My dear boy…

MARIA My dear little boy…

PYOTR Come on folks, don’t beat about the bush, there’s no time. All the best, Ally my lad, it was lovely to meet you. See you round, alright? Don’t get cold feet now, that’s the most important thing. We’ll all end up there in the end. Bye, then. Maria, say some parting words to him.

MARIA I’ll never have a child again…

PYOTR You’ll have me, that’s much better!

MARIA My son, how will I cope without you?

PYOTR Come on girls, lighten up. The lad will be off on his way soon, and you’ve started snivelling. That’s not right, we should ease his final journey, but you… Let’s sit for a moment before the departure.

They sit.

MARIA Oh Lord….

PYOTR Maria, you need to wind it up somehow, there’s really no time left. Look, it’ll be dawn soon. Lizaveta, leave him. Enough. Let’s say what we have to say and… Masha, what is it we say, do we just speak his name and that’s that?

MARIA Son…

LIZA Dear boy…

PYOTR Alexander, I don’t understand, what’s all this? We’ve decided – haven’t we? – that you’ll be leaving us. Then why all this performance? Tell them to leave you alone. You’ve got to understand, it’s time now. It’s time.

ALEXANDER Yes, Dad. Give me a farewell kiss.

PYOTR Let’s embrace and leave it at that. Don’t be offended, though we are relatives… I don’t like kissing.

MARIA Choose me, I’ll do it!

PYOTR Masha, what are you saying? How can you bring yourself to say that? What will I do? How can I cope without you?

MARIA Petya dearest… He’s my son.

PYOTR And I’m your husband. Alex, tell her. We’re all kith and kin, Maria. Get started, Lizaveta, Godspeed.

LIZA My life without you will be meaningless, I won’t do it – ALEX!

PYOTR One down. Maria, your turn.

MARIA He’s my son. And whatever happens I won’t say anything! My little boy, I’m you’re mother after all, my dear boy – ALEXANDER!

PYOTR Two. Well… give me your hand, like a man. You’re a good lad – ALLY! Three.

Alexander walks away, he begins to sing quietly.

PYOTR Well, thank God for that. How long before he leaves us?

LIZA I didn’t say anything! Alex, I didn’t say it! My darling…

MARIA My son…

PYOTR Quiet, girls, it’s late and you’re making a lot of noise.

LIZA I’m going with you, I can’t live without you. You’re the only person who’s ever seen me as a person, the only person I’ve ever shared such warmth with. I won’t stay here.

MARIA He was so patient, such a kind and affectionate son. No one will replace you.

PYOTR Except for me, Maria.

Maria and Liza approach Alexander, they embrace him…

He doesn’t react. He sings.

LIZA He’s singing. Do you hear? He’s singing.

MARIA Children don’t know how to sing.

LIZA Can’t you hear him? Alex dear….

MARIA And the time is up, he should have already…

LIZA It’s a miracle. A miracle’s occurred!

MARIA It can’t be.

LIZA You can see, can’t you? We’re alive. Both you and I, and your Petya. And dear Alex!

MARIA It can’t be.

LIZA It’s because he loves…

MARIA Yes, yes, he loves us very much….

PYOTR That’s always been the way. When I first fell in love, I pretty much thought I would lose my mind. It’s a terrible thing, that goes without saying. Ally my boy, you’re a good lad. And you sing well.

MARIA It’s a miracle. He’s grown up and we’re all alive! My dear boy… (sobs)

LIZA My dear boy… (sobs)

PYOTR He really is a decent bloke. (sobs)

LIZA Now we’ll be together, always together! My dearest Alex… I’m so happy that I have you, my darling.

Liza tries to sing along the song Alexander is singing but… her voice breaks. She tries again, but to no avail.

She coughs.

LIZA I think I’m all worried out.

PYOTR I should think so! You women are a weak race, you can’t do anything without getting all aflutter. Feel more free, Lizaveta, and the song will burst from your breast by itself. Like this!

Pyotr opens his mouth and lets out a high-pitched squeak.

PYOTR Oh!

LIZA What’s that?

PYOTR I can do it, my voice just cracked, that could happen to anyone. (He tries to sing again, but it’s in vain)

MARIA Oh lord, this is terrifying!

PYOTR Maria! Masha dear, what’s up with me? I’ve got this feeling like… a terribly unpleasant sensation….

LIZA We can’t sing any more.

MARIA I’m scared.

LIZA You try. Perhaps you’ll be able to!

MARIA Yes, yes, yes, yes…. (She opens her mouth, but…) No, I can’t! My throat feels frozen shut and I haven’t the strength to free it up! Mum… Mummy!

PYOTR I just thought about my mother too, I really miss her.

The song stops.

Alexander looks at those around him.

ALEXANDER I’m alive! You are too. We’re all alive!… Mum, Mummy, Dad, Liza…

LIZA I better go home, or my mum will be cross at me.

ALEXANDER Your mum? What mum? But you said that your…. that she….

PYOTR If there’s a child then there must most definitely be a mum.

MARIA We miss our mums and we want to go home.

ALEXANDER You are home!

MARIA This isn’t my home, because my….

ALEXANDER I’m here!

MARIA My Mum isn’t here.

ALEXANDER Liza! Liza my darling….

LIZA We’ve had a lot of fun, but I’ve got to go. See you?

ALEXANDER I love you!

LIZA Very well. And we love you. Right? We love him, don’t we?

PYOTR Of course, we wouldn’t have come round to visit him if that wasn’t the case. We really respect you.

MARIA Because you’re already a grown-up, but we… we still have lots of growing and growing to do.

ALEXANDER Mum, what are you saying?! I’m your son, you’re my mum, you have no one besides me! Don’t you recognise me? Come on, look at me, look at me carefully. I’m Alexander, your son!

MARIA Children don’t have children.

ALEXANDER Liza!

LIZA She’s right.

ALEXANDER Dad!

PYOTR Forgive me, but I can’t be here any longer, my mum will be worried. She might give me a good hiding. See you.

MARIA I’ll be off too.

LIZA Goodbye, it was very nice to visit you. (She kisses Alexander on the cheek)

ALEXANDER Wait! I want to kiss you too! And then you’ll remember. About how we spoke about love, about a particular, very peculiar love… Liza darling!

He kisses her.

LIZA Ugh, how disgusting! Why did you do that? That’s so unpleasant, you kissed me right on the mouth… All slobbery! Who asked you to do that?!

ALEXANDER You. And you yourself taught me how.

LIZA I’m going home.

ALEXANDER I love you!

LIZA Goodbye.

MARIA Goodbye.

PYOTR Goodbye.

ALEXANDER I love you all… I love you!

Liza, Maria and Pyotr leave.

Alexander sits on the floor and sings.
 

END